Dumage

Posted: 18 Sep 2011 12:39 PM PDT

Can you visualize this scene? The worst has occurred – you've been locked in your own home, you're now a prisoner within your own four walls. Furthermore, having forgotten to do the weekly shop, the cupboards of your domestic gulag are bare. Prevent this from happening though, by stocking up on Emergency Food Supplies now. Don't worry though; we've compiled this helpful list to ensure you'll survive the ordeal.

WARNING:None of the advice under should be taken seriously, if in the event you are locked in your home please attempt to contact your local locksmith :)

Animal Food

With any luck the architect of your incarceration is an animal lover and thus in some dusty cupboard you'll find food fit for a beast. Both dog and cat food contain most of the essential vitamins and minerals required to sustain life. However if you hit upon a few fish flakes, which are high in fatty acids and phospholipids, garnish your dog meat with them and your survival is assured!

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House-Waste

In the majority of households the largest stockpile of underutilized nutrients will be found amongst the refuse, old apple cores, half eaten cup cakes, and perhaps even a potato peeling or two. Any tangerine skin you find be sure to keep, nibbling it helps to alleviate nausea, something you'll no doubt experience as your ordeal continues. Of course if cultural currency of this freegan trend continues to rise it seems that all of us be rifling through the bin sooner rather than later. Oh joy.

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House Plants

The lowly house plant, that oft neglected outpost of nature's kingdom, can usually be found in even the grimmest of human habitations. The most common house plant in the western world is the Yucca, a fortunate occurrence as its root is a Central American delicacy. It can be cooked like a potato, made into porridge and is the main constituent of tapioca pudding. Although the leaves are composed mainly of cellulose, and thus inedible, they can be used to give your meal flair enough to rival the dinner of a Sheik.

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Leather

As you might suspect leather, given its animal origins, is indeed edible. If your accommodation possesses that hallmark of elegance, the three piece leather suite, then fear not the cold hand of starvation. Although you can technically bite straight into that hide and start munching away we recommend you deep fry your leather, it'll produce something akin to everyone's favorite Friday night snack: Pork Scratchings.

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Oven Grease

Depending on you or your host's level of cleanliness the kitchens heating compartment could either be a bountiful garden with great quantities of this precious substance waiting to be harvested or a desert bereft of even the smallest dot of filth. Oven grease is nothing more than the oils accumulated from spill and slips during cooking, making it perfect for frying up that Yucca plant root or used, with our next item, as the basis of a tongue tingling sauce.

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Toothpaste

Toothpaste is ration of choice for the earth bound cosmonaut. With its bright color, powerful taste and glue like consistency it is the closest thing we have to a future food, steak pills and three course chewing gum having failed to arrive. The consumption of large amounts toothpaste is, due to high levels of Sorbitol (laxative),Sodium lauryl sulfate (soap foam) and fluoride (communist), very dangerous and should not be attempted by anyone. It can be used, in pea sized amounts, as minty condiment or after dinner treat.

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Cardboard / Paper / Tissue

All three items in this family are formed of the same universally useful material, cellulose. Depending on the robustness of your digestive system you may be able to break down these fibers and extract some nutrition. Three Chinese coal miners trapped underground survived five days by eating the boxes that had been used to deliver their dynamite. Rather than eating your paper product alone they should be used as a starchy side to accompany your Yucca root and Leather main. Serve drenched with lashings of oven grease and toothpaste sauce.

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Soap

Currently most soap is manufactured using vegetable oils, subsequently if it is ingested it will provide a small amount of nutrition. There is a small chance that, if that warder of your camp aims for refinement, you'll find some soap that has been manufactured from animal fat. 'Kidney suet', fat taken from around the kidneys of the cow is supposed to produce the finest soap; although we are unsure as to weather it provided the finest taste. Soap, when consumed in large amounts, has laxative effects.

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Air

According to the Breatharian Institute of America, all you really need to survive is that element that envelops and surrounds us: Air. Wiley Brooks claims that the human body, when free from all forms of pollution, requires no food or water, just clean, free and life affirming air. Hopefully you will, in your infinite spiritual wisdom, have already taken Wiley Brooks advice to heart and completed one of his Empowered Ascension Immortality Initiation workshops and have gained the ability to live on air alone. If you've yet to get round to it yet, don't worry, the price is a mere $1,000,000 (no refunds) which may seem steep but it does include a trip to the new 5-dimensional earth, bargain.

Emergency Food